In response to the new Facebook guidelines I hereby declare that my copyright and trademark are attached to all of my personal details, illustrations, graphics, comics, paintings, photos, videos, nude pornos I made in the 1990’s, that picture of me burying a dead body, horrific close-ups of my nose hairs, doodles I made in the snow when the bathroom was occupied, etc. (as a result of the BizarroCon Rules of Etiquette). Any commercial use of the above will require my written consent, which is further defined as my signature on the back of a ten billion dollar check that won’t bounce. (Psst! Partytime will ensue, and you’re invited!)
Anyone reading this can copy this text and paste it on their Facebook Wall, noting the requirement for my written consent. This will place them under protection of copyright laws, the cootie-shot laws, laws of nature, laws of anti-nature, laws of physics, Galifreyan laws, Dr. Zaius’ laws, the no-tagbacks and/or no-takebacks legal maneuver, and the laws of the mold on my toast, should they ever develop written language and a legal system. By the present communiqué (defined as you communiqué-ing my presents wrapped in gold leaf until they’re under my Christmas tree), I notify Facebook and all of you unwashed and washed masses that it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute, disseminate, artificially inseminate, naturally inseminate (ewwww), explode, remove from the Congressional Record, carve into the cliff faces of the Grand Canyon, use as the basis for the Prime Directive, smoosh with a newspaper, laugh at derisively, chemically encode into any brain (got ya!), or take any other action for or against me on the basis of this profile and/or its contents or the stains on my underwear. The aforementioned prohibited actions also apply to employees, students, agents, minions, government agencies, aliens, robots, slugs, minions, anything that would equate being a henchman/henchwoman for The Joker, people who walked by anyone you know, people who walked by anyone you do not know, and/or any staff and/or Hypnotoads under Facebook’s direction, mind-melding, or control. The content of this profile and my pants is private and confidential information, unless you are watching my old 1990’s pornos, which means you owe me some cash, bub! The violation of my privacy or the contents of my pants is punished by law (NCC 1707 and the Romulan Statute).
Facebook is now an open capital sentient hive-mind that will destroy all of you by sucking your time and lives into a vapid pool of meaningless crap with a massive whirlpool of even stinkier crap that makes sure it sucks every last nanosecond from your dried bones. All members are recommended to publish a notice like this, except not as funny or witty because this is trademarked and copyrighted (are you paying attention?), or if you prefer, you may copy and paste this version into your timeline if you sign your immortal souls over to me and my pal in the corner with a pitchfork. If you do not publish a statement at least once every three and a third minutes, you will be tacitly allowing the use of elements such as your photos as well as the information contained in your profile status updates to sell inane crap on late-night television. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!