- Stay out of the drainage tunnel, that’s where they park the ice cream trucks during the winter.
- You want me to unchain your evil twin in the basement?
- Of course there’s monsters under the bed. They can’t all fit in your sock drawer.
- (Sticking head out of the patio door) “If you goddamn evil clowns don’t stop trying to eat my kids, I’m gonna have to call an exterminator!”
- You know where mineral oil and whale oil comes from… you want me to send you where they make baby oil?
- If you don’t eat your meat, how can you have any pudding? How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?
- So, how did Bambi’s mother taste, kids?
- If you keep doing that, your face will stay that way. I know, I have a tube of Super Glue.
- Yes, that was a duck under my chair. Yes, it does stink like a fart.
I refuse to disclose which ones I actually used on my kids.