Necon Books had a fun little contest where you select some movie, video or book and reword the TV Guide description to make it dark. Although they didn’t win, here are my entries:

• The Wizard of Oz – After sustaining a head injury, a woman goes on a psychopathic battle to the death for the last pair of ugly red shoes.
• Yertle the Turtle by Dr. Seuss – A megalomaniac reptile seeks to recreate the original big bang theory of turtles all the way down.
• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – A mutant, a monster, a pickaxe-hurling maniac, and a dental torturer with rusty pliers band together and descend on a quiet North Pole town during the snowstorm of the century.
• The Sound of Music – A witch crafts insidious, mind-numbing music to torture and confuse the audience and the occasional Nazi as she transports her collection of stolen children to a mountain hideout.
• The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss – An anthropomorphic fish gets off by using an LSD-type hallucinogen to simulate destroying the home of a brother and sister on numerous occasions, only to hide and blame it on the cat when the parents return.
• Watership Down – A plague of rodents spread out from a secret lair to spread their influence and their sparkle-eared deity’s religion.
• The Sneetches by Dr. Seuss – A crazed capitalist forces a race of non-conformist goths to battle each other over horrific body modifications until they run out of resources.
• Old Yeller – A young man takes his first step on his journey to becoming a psychopathic murderer by executing his angry best friend.
• Here Come the Teletubbies – An alien race mesmerizes and programs the audience to become passive consumers under orders from their baby Sun God.
• Barney’s Top 20 Countdown – A hallucinogenic purple reptile leads other drug-inspired creatures to playing mind-altering music to torture the purchasers of this evil DVD. See also: Necronomicon.

Hope you enjoyed them!